I stumbled upon some brain teasers today and as usual, I went deep into thought to find the answers. Then I realized that brain teasers are no more than a way to distract us from life’s problems and that I’ve had enough. So instead of putting real time into it, here are some real answers to some ridiculous questions.
1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it’s raining! Why?
Because the guy that owns the building is a real slum lord and hasn’t fixed the elevator despite numerous complaints from tenants. On rainy days he doesn’t even bother going to his place and instead crashes on the couches of sympathetic co-workers.
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, “I can’t operate on this boy, he is my son!” How can this be?
As we learned on The Cosby Show, the surgeon is a woman and thus the mother of the boy, making us all sexist pigs who can’t believe a woman could be a surgeon. But let’s turn it back on Bill Cosby and whatever jerk came up with this. Actually, the surgeon is Dr. Stephen Lapidus, the legally recognized by the state of New Hampshire” partner of Ned Lapidus, the man who died at the scene of the accident. They adopted an infant boy from Korea named Chin Ho, though by the time he got on U.S. soil they changed his name to Bob (the logic being that a Korean boy with gay, white parents with the last name Lapidus would have a rough enough childhood). On a separate note, why would they have even mentioned this on The Cosby Show? Cliff should be talking about orange soda and hoagies not widowed surgeons.
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, coat, gloves and ski mask. He is walking down a back street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
There was no driver. The black car is K.I.T. and the man in black and ski mask is a very inebriated David Hasselhoff. See, once he decided to leave America’s Got Talent for better opportunities, he soon realized there were none and then started hitting the bottle harder than ever. The money dried up before he did so “The Hoff” took to knocking off liquor stores. K.I.T. being the enabler that he or it is, was the getaway driver. The incident in question was actually “The Hoff” and K.I.T. robbing a toy store in the early morning hours of December 24th, thus destroying Christmas and the innocence of an entire community of children.
4. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How?
Because in the real world, not everyone can celebrate their birthday on the actual day. You know what I did this past birthday? I poured drinks at a shitty hotel bar in Manhattan for customers that included a depressed housewife from Michigan and some insurance salesman from Madison, WI who kept telling me that I should write his life story, that it would make us all millionaires. You call that a celebration?
5. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?
Because they were the only prudes wearing fig leaves, a look that surprisingly never caught on. If that didn’t give it away then the apple certainly did, which is considered contraband up there.
6. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
This could be so because the woman had two vajayjays and even if you’re born at the same time from the same woman, you can’t be twins if it’s from different vajayjays.
Answer #@: Son #1 was born on January 5th and then as soon as she could, mommy started banging away, got knocked up and out came son #2 on October 5th. Mommy likes the sex.
7. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
I don’t know, but they’re into some weird shit and these brain teasers have taken a weird turn.